Plop! Justice Society of America

One Night Before Christmas

by Drivtaan

The classic Christmas poem retold — JSA style!

***

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And at the North Pole,
A calamity had struck,
And it was looking no-go.

Chicken soup was cooking,
Hoping it’d do the trick;
Like I said, a calamity,
Because Santa was sick.

Then Mrs. Claus was inspired
On how to save the day;
She put in a call,
To the J.S. of A.

Now, Wildcat was on duty,
When the first call came in.
“Dis must be a joke,”
He said with a grin.

Then came a second call,
But he ignored that one, too.
“Must be dem kids,
“Like that Little Boy Blue.”

Finally, a third call
Saying, “The hour is late.
“Get off your fur,
“And get Doctor Fate!”

So, he sprang to his feet,
Toppling his chair with a crash;
He called on his teammates,
Green Lantern and Flash.

Johnny Thunder and Cei-U appeared
With Doctor Mid-Nite in tow;
Fate, Starman, Atom, and Sandman,
Not a one of them slow.

“The kids need us,” said Johnny,
“So let’s pick up the pace.
“Say, you know, we must hurry;
“We’re off to Santa’s place.”

In the blink of an eye,
They were at the North Pole,
Drinking hot chocolate
To ward off the cold.

“Santa’s schedule is shot,”
Mrs. Claus told the guys,
“The sleigh should already
“Be crossing the skies.

“Even with your help,
“I’m afraid it’s too late;
“We must postpone Christmas,
“‘Til a later date.”

“Not on your life!”
Starman said with a grin;
“We’re the Justice Society,
“And we have a plan.”

So they were off to the stable
Where the sleigh was prepared;
And soon they were ready
To take to the air.

Thanks to the efforts
Of Green Lantern and Fate,
Instead of one sleigh,
Now there were eight.

“I’ll divide up the toys
“And do it real quick.”
And good to his word,
Flash was done in a tick

“But there’s nine of us here,”
Atom included himself.
“Then you ride with me,” said Wildcat
“You’ll be my elf!”

After the laughter,
They were ready to go;
The sleighs were away
Through the cold North Pole snow.

Needless to say,
The heroes succeeded;
Everyone made it
To where they were needed

All over the world,
The children knew joy;
Each had a bright
And shiny new toy

So if you are worried
About Christmas Day,
It’s being taken care of
By the J.S. of A.

The End

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A Cheery Halloween Tale

by Blackwolf247

The gang from a certain long-running TV sitcom dress up like comic-book superheroes for Halloween. Hijinks ensue!

***

“Well, Carla, nice costume. Zatanna, I presume?”

“!yctcaxE”

“Hey, Sammy, why Batman?”

“Think about it, Cliff — bat… baseball…?”

“Oh, I get it.”

“Nice Superman costume, Mr. Claven.”

“Thank you, Woody — er, I mean, Robin.”

“!oot ,sgel ecin ,haeY”

“.ouy knahT”

“You understood her?”

“I did?”

“Hey is that Norm?”

“Evening, everybody!”

“Norm!”

“Not tonight, folks. Tonight, it’s Herbie!”

“Gee, Mr. Peterson, you don’t look like a car.”

“Not that Herbie, Boy Wonder, a comic-book character from my youth. It was either this, the Blob, or Bouncing Boy.”

“.etuC”

“Thanks, Carla.”

“Well, I need to see some ID. Last I knew, Herbie was underage.”

“Very funny, Caped Crusader, but that was the ’60s, remember? Let’s face it, there haven’t been that many role models for us, uh, larger-built guys.”

“So Sammy, or Batman, rather, any idea what Rebecca is gonna wear?”

“Funny you should ask, Superman, because the office door is opening now, and — oh, my God!”

“Hello, boys and girls. Anybody want to buy this kitty some milk?”

“If I do, can I scratch behind your ears?”

“Only if you want the touch of my cat-o’-nine tails, Batman!”

“Ooh, sure — promises, promises…”

“Purrr…”

Nearby, taking all of this in, sat a man disguised as the Flash.

“Blimey! It’s enough to make a bloke go back down under!”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

The End

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The Lecture

by Dave Barnowski

An old joke gets new life as Cain questions the audience at a lecture on the supernatural.

***

Cain ben Adam was well known as a master storyteller and an expert on the supernatural and the occult. Today he was a guest lecturer at the Central City University speaking on the topic of ghosts one Halloween night. The auditorium was filled with well over three hundred students, faculty, and guests who were mesmerized with the man’s talk, as Cain was a master orator.

He was at the end of his discussion when he asked the audience a series of questions. The first one was, “How many of you have ever heard a ghost? Please raise your hands and keep them up until I count you all.” Cain counted the hands and then thanked the audience for their patience.

“I counted one hundred and seventeen of you, which is about thirty-three percent.” Cain smiled as he continued, “That percentage is consistent with the general population and the numbers I come up with whenever I give these little talks — between twenty-eight and thirty-five percent.”

Next, Cain asked if anyone in the audience had ever seen a ghost, as the process was repeated. Cain counted seventy-eight hands, which he said was about twenty-five percent of the audience and was consistent with what he normally found.

He then asked if anyone had ever conversed with a ghost, and thirty-two hands rose up. Again, Cain said this percentage of about fifteen percent was within the normal parameters of what he had found over the years.

The brown-haired man then smiled as he said, “I now ask this question, as I do at every seminar on ghosts that I speak at. I have to tell you that no one has ever positively responded to this question, but I have to ask it. Has anyone here ever had intercourse with a ghost?”

There was a murmur of laughter from the audience at the question, and Cain saw that the answer to his question was again no. Then he saw a hand rise up timidly from the back of the audience. Cain’s heart rose as he asked the elderly man to come forward.

The man needed to use a walker, and he was obviously very frail. He wore two hearing aids and had to be helped out of his chair. Cain could see that the man would never be able to climb the stairs to the stage, and so he went down to meet him as the audience gave the old man a standing ovation.

Cain was buoyant as he looked forward to this conversation. He waited impatiently as the elderly man came down the aisle to the front of the stage. When he finally arrived, Cain couldn’t contain himself by starting with simple questions like what the man’s name was or where he came from. Instead, Cain asked the man directly, “Please tell us, sir, what it was like having intercourse with a ghost?”

The man said, “Eh? What did you say, son? Speak up — I’m hard of hearing.”

Cain smiled at the elderly man and raised his voice as he again asked, “What was it like having intercourse with a ghost?”

The old man looked at Cain incredulously as he said, “Ghost? I thought you said goat.”

The End

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Welcome to Gotham City!

by HarveyKent

A pamphlet from the local Chamber of Commerce is usually a fairly ordinary, boring, and even mind-numbing piece of literature. But one from Gotham City’s Chamber of Commerce? Now that’s a different story.

***

WELCOME TO GOTHAM CITY!

Hello, and welcome to the busiest little city on Earth! If you’ve received this special pamphlet from the Gotham City Chamber of Commerce, you have recently applied for a new business license to operate in Gotham City.

Let me be the first to say Thank You for choosing Gotham, and welcome to our city! I’m sure you’ll enjoy many years of prosperity and some of the friendliest clientele in the world!

On the other side of the coin, you’ve probably already heard stories about the criminal situation in Gotham. Well, I’m sure we all know how such stories can snowball and get out of hand as they’re passed from one teller to another. Conversely, all tall tales have some basis in fact.

Does Gotham City have crime? Yes, it does. So does Chicago, New York, Miami, and probably Podunk, Iowa. Gotham’s crimes  just tend to get a little more press coverage because our criminals tend to be more imaginative and creative than most (just another example of why Gotham is such a fun place to live!).

New merchants should, of course, take sensible precautions to prevent becoming victims of crime in this or any other city. In many cities, such actions take special, localized forms. In Gotham City, we strongly recommend using discretion when naming your business. For example:

• Do not give your business a name that in any way evokes playing cards, clowns, comedy, or the opera Il Pagliacci.
• Do not have the name of a bird in your business, be it living, extinct, or mythological.
• Do not have the number 2 in your business name (you will notice that there are no 2s in any address numbers in the downtown business district; this is covered in the handbook you will receive shortly). Likewise, do not use any words with any reference to two: half, double, twin, et cetera.
• Do not have the word cat or the name of any kind of feline in your business name. This extends to the larger members of the feline order, such as lions, tigers, leopards, et cetera.
• Do not have any references to cold, snow, or the Arctic.
• If you’re planning to open a hat store, might we suggest scenic Metropolis?

If you have any questions, or if you’d like a copy of our free educational video, Saints, Commissioner! A Guide To Gotham City’s Outré Outlaws, please feel free to call 555-1939, extension 27, during regular business hours.

And once again, Welcome to Gotham City!

The End

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Conversations of Doom

by Martin Maenza and Starsky Hutch 76

What happens when Solomon Grundy and Bizarro — the two stupidest members of the Legion of Doom — sit next to each other for too long? Conversations of Doom, that’s what.

***

On the road to pull a job, the Legion of Doom sits in their ship. Sadly, two of the members once again find themselves next to one another.

Solomon Grundy: Grundy like apples.

Bizarro: Bizarro like apples too.

Grundy: Grundy like pears, also.

Bizarro: Bizarro, too. Bizarro can eat pears all day.

Sinestro, leaning over the seat: Would you two shut up?!

Bizarro: Bizarro find pears tasty.

Grundy: Pears give Grundy gas.

Bizarro: Pears give Bizarro gas, too. That why me like them.

And then the farting contest starts. PLOP! Both white-faced villains laugh loudly.

Bizarro: Why Toyman look green?

The jester-costumed villain falls forward, having the unfortunate luck of having to sit behind these two.

Grundy: Hmmm, Grundy smell something.

Bizarro: Sniff sniff. Bizarro don’t, too. What could it be?

Grundy: Grundy thinks it’s Giganta. She got a big odor.

Bizarro: Why Giganta got big odor, Grundy?

Grundy: Grundy think it girl thing.

Bizarro: Hey, Giganta! You got girl thing?

Grundy: Sometimes Giganta no get that so-fresh feeling.

WHOMPPPP! The villainess slaps the two idiots upside the head and returns to normal size. After their heads clear, the pair decide to head up to the front of the ship.

Grundy: Hey, Luthor — why you not use big brain and find way to grow hair?

Bizarro: Yeah, no understand. You like chrome look?

Grundy: Hey, his head match the Legion of Doom base. Big and round.

Bizarro: Hmm… Maybe that why he no grow hair.

Luthor zaps them once with his blaster. ZAAAAP! The two refuse to heed the warning shot.

Bizarro: Hey, Luthor. You know what most annoying noise in the world am?

Together: GNANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Luthor, holding his skull: Guys! Guys!

Grundy: Him mean. Me bet if him had hair he not be so mean.

Bizarro: Why can him build doomsday weapons but not cure baldness?

Grundy: Him want to look like Kojak?

Bizarro: Heh-heh. Who loves you, baby?

Grundy: Har. Good one, Bizarro.

The ship screeches to a halt. The side door opens, and two large figures are tossed out onto the side of the road. The door slams shut, and the ship barrels off.

Grundy: Hmmph. Why we get kicked off ship?

Bizarro: Bizarro not know.

Grundy: What we do now?

Bizarro: Hmm… Maybe we call Blockbuster. He fun to talk with.

Grundy: Yeah. Him smart.

The End

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A Day in the Life of the Crisis

by Doc Quantum of the Time Trust

When a large group of second-string characters gather in the same place, each told that they would find something they sought under a looming black cloud by the mysterious Wolf-Man of Earth-Prime, they can’t help but begin to wonder if they’ve been set up. And just how many ways can Immortal Man die, anyway?

***

Kole: Hey, what’s that big black shadow overhead?

Dove: I don’t know. Who cares? Want to hear some of my ‘beat poetry’?

Immortal Man: Hi, guys, what’s up?

BAM! Immortal Man suddenly gets killed by a falling meteor. A minute later, he reappears in a brand-new body.

Immortal Man: Damn that hurt!

Bug-Eyed Bandit: Hey, put your hands up, all you heroes, you!

Clayface: Yeah, we want all of Kole’s jewelry and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem — don’t make us go all medieval on your asses!

Suddenly, Starman III (the one from a distant planet) comes in and starts spouting what sounds like gibberish, but is really his native language.

Starman III: )(*W&$#Q*^$%Q#%@^#%&^@%)(@#^$%_^%#)(*@^#%)(@*#^%_ %^*#%(!!!

Dove: Hey, watch it, potty-mouth! You kiss your mother with those lips?

Immortal Man suddenly rushes the two villains, but is shot by another couple of villains who suddenly arrive: Alexei Luthor of Earth-2 and Psimon. He dies and comes back in a new body a few seconds later.

Immortal Man: $#!^! Do you have any idea how much dying hurts? Man…

Luthor of Earth-2: All right, put your hands up, this is a robbery! We want this Starman’s staff and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem!

Psimon: Yes. Do as he says. We are indubitabuble geniuseseseses. Damn my stutter…

Tula (Aqualad’s girlfriend): Hey, fellow Teen Titans, what’s up?

Kole: We’re being robbed, apparently.

Tula: Oh, cool. Well, I’m completely useless this far from the water, so rob away!

Dove: Thank you for your help.

Immortal Man is suddenly hit by a car and is killed. Three villains jump out of the car, pointing their weapons at the heroes, while noting the other villains’ presence.

Mirror Master: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

The Icicle: Yes, we were planning on robbing these helpless heroes of their riches!

Maaldor the Darklord: Yes, their immortal souls! Bwa-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa!

As if on cue, Immortal Man returns from the dead in a completely new body once more.

Immortal Man: @%#&ing hell! I am so sick of getting killed and resurrected all the time! What is up with that?

The Green Arrow of Earth-2 suddenly comes in and sees the villains surrounding the heroes.

Green Arrow of Earth-2: Hey, what’s going on here?

The villains: It’s a robbery!

Green Arrow of Earth-2: Oh, well, I give up. All I can do is shoot trick arrows, anyways. Heh-heh. By all means, take my money!

Suddenly, a buzzing noise in the air begins as the sound like the transporter from Star Trek rematerializes Kid Psycho — the reserve member of the Legion of Super-Heroes from the 30th Century — into the group of heroes and villains.

Kid Psycho: Hello, 20th Century Earthlings! I am Kid Psycho from the future. Every time I use my telekinetic power, I take one year off of my life! So how are you all doing?

Immortal Man: We should talk.

Immortal Man is suddenly pierced through his chest by a green power beam, and dies.

Dove: Green Lantern?

Power Ring of Earth-3: No. I am Power Ring of the Crime Syndicate of Earth-3. And these are my associates — Ultraman, Super-Woman, Johnny Quick, and Owlman.

Ultraman: Hi.

Super-Woman: Hello.

Johnny Quick: Hey, folks.

Owlman: Greetings.

Immortal Man is suddenly resurrected in a new body, and he groans loudly.

Immortal Man: Crap. So let me guess: this is a robbery?

Power Ring: Hey, how’d you–?

Alexander Luthor of Earth-3: So there you are, you pesky Crime Syndicate, you! I’ve come to take you to justice! Oh, hello there, Luthor of Earth-2, my evil counterpart — how are you this fine dark day?

Alexei Luthor of Earth-2: Hello, my good counterpart! We’re in the middle of a robbery here.

Suddenly, half of the Guardians of the Universe show up.

Guardians of the Universe: Hello. We have come as we were summoned to. And we have brought pamphlets with us.

They hand out the pamphlets to all those present. The title: “SO YOU WANT TO BE A GREEN LANTERN? 10 things you should know first.”

As if on cue, a group of Green Lanterns show up, led by Tomar-Re.

Tomar-Re: Guardians?! What are you doing here?

Guardians: We were under the impression that there were some new recruits present.

Tomar-Re: First I’ve heard about it. Anyway, we’re back from our assignment in time and space.

Guardians: Uh… what assignment?

The Green Lanterns “beam” in several people from the past.

A group of grizzled soldiers from all types of American military pop up, as does a western-type gunfighter from the Old West.

Johnny Cloud: Hey guys, we’re, uh… y’know… we’re the Losers.

Captain Storm: Yeah, but don’t get thrown off by the name.

Gunner: The Losers wasn’t my choice for a name. Me’n th’ Sarge, here, wanted to be called Gunner and the Sarge and their Howling Commandoes, but did anyone else want to hear of it? NooOOOOooooo…

Sarge: Shut up, Gunner.

Pooch: Woof! Woof!

Nighthawk: Walllll, I’ll be plum-danged ten times this Sunday, if I ain’t in the feeyoooture! Nighthawk’s the name, and fighting outlaws’s muh game! Yee-hawwww!

Nighthawk shoots off a round of gunshots, and one hits Immortal Man in the head.

Immortal Man, 2 minutes later: AAAAARGGH!

Dove: Hey, what are you guys all doing here, anyway?

Green Arrow of Earth-2: I heard of a rumor of some kind of werewolf haunting this piece of land.

Tula: Hey, dude! That’s what I heard, too! Except I thought it was more like a wolf-man.

Dove: Werewolf, wolfman, same difference.

Starman III: (Q#&%Q*#&%*@&#%@#%^)@(#$^%)(@^#%)(^@#(%^Wolfman(*Q#&%@*#^%)(@^#

Dove: Do you want me to wash your mouth out with soap? I will, y’know!

Luthor of Earth-2: I believe you have heard wrong, foolish heroes. The great villain of Earth-Prime, Wolf-Man, revealed to us that riches could be found at this very spot, at this very time.

Marv Wolfman: Hey, guys, so you’re all here! Great.

All: Huh?

Marv Wolfman: Oh, waitasec, I don’t see Supergirl or the Flash here, but I guess their time is coming soon enough, anyway. Too bad I couldn’t have tossed in a few more. Oh, well, there’s always Zero Hour. Ta!

Kole, Dove, Immortal Man, the Bug-Eyed Bandit, Clayface, Starman III, Luthor of Earth-2, Psimon, Tula, the Icicle, Maaldor the Darklord, Mirror Master, Green Arrow of Earth-2, Kid Psycho, Power Ring, Ultraman, Super-Woman, Johnny Quick, Owlman, Alexander Luthor of Earth-3, Johnny Cloud, Captain Storm, Gunner & Sarge, Pooch, Nighthawk, half the Guardians of the Universe, and a few Green Lanterns led by Tomar-Re suddenly look up as the black cloud they saw earlier looms closer and closer.

Immortal Man: We’re all going to die!

Green Arrow of Earth-2: Way to state the obvious.

Kole: Hey, how come when we die, we get maybe one panel showing our deaths, but when Supergirl and the Flash die, they get immortalized on the covers?

Robin of Earth-2 and the Huntress swoop in.

Robin of Earth-2: Hey, what the hell are we doing? There’s a damned meteor or something coming down on us.

The Huntress, tearing off her clothes: Oh, well, don’t let me die a virgin, Dick!

Robin of Earth-2: Mmm… OK. (Forgive me, Bruce!)

Robin of Earth-2 and the Huntress begin tearing off each other’s clothes and passionately make love. The others see this and decide to do the same with the moments they have left.

Bug-Eyed Bandit: Clayface, I’ve always loved you.

Clayface: Fwuh?

Immortal Man: Heh-heh-heh. They don’t know what they’re in for. Won’t they be sorry when they’re all dead, and I come back in a new body?

Marv Wolfman, from a distance: Oh, Im-mor-tal Maaaan…

Immortal Man: Yeah, Marv? What’s up?

Marv Wolfman: Sorry, pal, but your number’s up. We threw some anti-matter in that big black thing, which will kill your immortal soul permanently.

Immortal Man: Wha–? But, but…

Marv Wolfman: Don’t worry. In ten years you’ll come back as Mitch Shelley, the Resurrection Man, and everyone will have forgotten about you. Ta!

Immortal Man: Damn you, Wolf-Man! Dam yo–

PLOP!

The End

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With One Magic Word

by Libbylawrence

A fashionable morning news hostess named Diane Sawy — er, I mean Leanne Sayers is beckoned into an abandoned subway by a strange figure. When she meets the wizard Shaz — ah, I mean Martha Stew — er, that is Marcia Steubbins, will one magic word allow Leanne to become the heroine she’s always wanted to be?

***

On this rainy night in the city, many people were hurrying home to their families. But one lone newsreader stood in the weather ignoring the potential damage it might do to her expensive suit with the cute matching heels.

Her name was Leanne Sayers, and she worked long two-hour shifts as the cheerful hostess of the morning news. Now she found herself drawn this fateful night to an abandoned subway entrance. She had never been to this neighborhood, and there was no valet parking and not a coffee shop in sight. Oh, sure, there were coffee shops, but none that served that special creamy blend that Leanne loved.

Wandering in front of this subway station, she thought, A subway? I think that’s where people eat those big sandwiches.

Seeing a figure all in black who beckoned her over, she stared at him because his black coat and trench coat looked out of place with his red-and-white-checked apron.

“Hey, Leanne!” he said. “Get your blond fluffy self in here! I don’t get paid overtime for beckoning, and I’m ready to clock out.”

“Are you a professional beckoner?” she asked with her reporter’s instincts.

“They don’t come any better,” he said proudly. “I’ve got a beckoning license, too. So get down here.”

“Why’d you pick me?” she asked with mock modesty as she smoothed her skirt, reasoning that there could be reporters down there.

“I didn’t pick you,” he snapped. “Beckoners can’t be choosers. Just come on!”

Leanne Sayers went down the steps to see a long hallway with ugly statues lined up in a row. They had names like Tangle, Split End, Broken High Heel, Run in Hoses, Chipped Nail, and the like.

“What are those?” she shuddered.

“The Seven Deadly Fashion No No’s,” said her guide. “We had to remove one called Capri Pants when styles changed and they came back in again.”

Leanne Sayers gazed in wonder as the place changed before her heavily mascara-lined eyes. The area was suddenly a huge chamber with a spacious airy roof and a charming little skylight. She saw a table with a beautiful meal placed on it with tiny handmade table settings.

“Welcome to the Breakfast Nook of Eternity!” said a beautiful blond woman sitting on a divan with plush arm rests and a handy snack tray. Her hair was elaborately coiffed, and her robe was purest silk with silver sandals on her carefully painted, toenailed feet.

“I love that robe — is it pure silk?” asked Leanne.

The woman smiled and said, “No, it’s a silk blend. Can’t tell it from the real thing, can you?”

Leanne smiled. “Aren’t you…?”

“Yes, I am the diva of domesticity herself,” she said with a curtsey. “TV’s gracious living expert, Marcia Steubbins. Now, Leanne Sayers, speak my name!”

“Marcia Steubbins!” said Leanne.

A crash of thunder echoed, and somewhere a dinner bell rang.

Leanne was transformed. She now wore a darling short tunic with sandals and a little cape that hung off one bare shoulder.

“I name you Captain Marcia!” said Marcia. “You will serve me as the guardian of good taste and protector of the stylish homemaker.”

Captain Marcia smiled. “I shall do it. What is that carved slate?”

Marcia Steubbins said, “It shows the breakdown of your powers based on my name. M from Marcia Brady for good hair, A from Dear Abby from wisdom, R from Rachel Hunter for good legs, C from… uh… I don’t remember the rest. I mean, that’s what the slate is for, right?”

Captain Marcia smiled. “I shall be off to do your good work for soccer moms everywhere.”

With a flash of leg and a whiff of perfume, the perky newsbabe set off to do the duty by homemakers everywhere.

The End

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