Bulletman and Bulletgirl

Cruisin’

by Libbylawrence

My name is Susan Kent Barr — Bulletgirl, former heiress, and all around Glamour Goddess… (OK, so I made that last one up. Don’t blame a girl for trying.) My husband Jim is a police scientist and he really works hard. He spends so much time in his lab that I qualify as a “test tube widow”!

He loves his work. He should — it changed both our lives. I could have ended up as a bored society girl turned housewife if Jim had not invented a formula that gave him a vastly superior physique. He had been a bookish, frail man before. I was an athletic woman, so it actually boosted my strength slightly above his, although neither of us dwell on that fact.

He then invented the anti-gravity devices that allowed us to become the cutest crimefighting couple ever (unless you count Mr. Scarlet and Pinky)!

Now after spending time in suspended animation, due to a rat named Sivana, we find ourselves young and vital decades after our initial youth. Don’t dare suggest I should be on Social Security!

Well, I digress. Jim says I can’t stop talking, even when it’s in writing! Now, as I started to say, Jim works hard. So it was a major effort on little Susie’s part to get him to agree to take a cruise! I hope he’ll relax and not get tangled up in some mystery.

I have little hope of that since I have been known to stumble into action at the least likely times myself.

We’ll see!

***

“Sure and it was mighty kind o’ Mr. Brian Butler to buy this here new boat for us, eh, Mr. Hogan?” asked a happy Lance O’Casey.

Mr. Hogan, a remarkable monkey cheep-cheeped in reply.

“He said his friend Bulletman spoke up for us and he wanted to help his fellow mystery-men out! That was a truly noble thing for that man to do! You and me is just two old salts in search of some knockabout fun, but a swell like Bulletman considered us his peers!” said the handsome, reddish-blond, smiling Lance O’Casey.

Mr. Hogan remained silent, as if in deep thought.

“The new Brian Boru is as neat and trim a ship as a sea lover could ever hope for! I hope our maiden voyage will bring us success. Poor ol’ S’ville back on Maloana saw danger in our trip, but then the poor old gloomy soul sees death in his mornin’ eggs too, I wager!” laughed the broad-chested sailor.

He welcomed the Barrs aboard and waited patiently on the last couple to join them.

“Dan and Carol must be running late!” said Jim Barr.

Susan agreed, “I bet Carol is still in front of her dressing mirror. That sweet girl has no idea that she makes Marilyn Monroe look like James Monroe!”

“You’re dating yourself, honey!” quipped Jim.

Susan laughed and tossed back her thick auburn hair. “OK, she makes Michelle Pfeiffer look like James Pfeiffer! Now just tell me who James Pfeiffer is, big man!” she teased.

Lance laughed a hearty good-natured laugh.

Then a cab pulled up, and gorgeous blonde Carol Clews ran up the plank. Her high heels clicked as she scurried aboard. She wore a bright pink dress with a white sash across one shoulder. Her make-up was perfect as always.

“I am soooo sorry! Dan insisted that I go alone. He broke his leg diving off a speeding truck on our last case. The poor lug! He refused to let me nurse him. He said I should have enough fun for us both!” she said with a dreamy look on her exquisite face.

“Then we’re off!” shouted Lance as the monkey capered about.

***

A powerful figure watched the Brian Boru II make its way through the warm waters. He saw the merry captain and the ever-joking Susan Barr. He noticed her more serious husband Jim, and then he spotted the sun-bathing Carol Clews!

“By the abyss! I have never felt such stirrings for a mere human! I must have that wench for my own!” he roared.

He turned to a horde of inhuman creatures who servilely awaited his every command. “Bring that ship to me and at the cost of your own lives see that the fair haired woman is unharmed. She is to be the mate of your master!” he shouted.

This would not bode well for Carol Clews and her travel friends.

***

So there we were — tanning, joking, sailing along — when a huge red-scaled sea monster broke through the waters and loomed above us.

Jim leaped up and said (and I quote), “Great Guns! That creature is like no prehistoric beast known to man! It is a new and living species of unknown dinosuar!”

I suited up and tossed him his own costume. “Write the thesis later, honey. We need altitude!”

We jetted upward as Carol screamed, and Mr. Hogan cheeped and shook his little paw skyward.

Lance O’Casey stayed at the helm and said, “By the Emerald Isle, her own self! That’s another o’ them sea serpents!”

Later, I reflected that that outburst said a lot about Lance’s life up to that point. He was no mere sailor. Beneath that unshakeably cheerful smile and broad shoulders rested a hero’s heart and an amazing life story.

Lance steered clear and Jim and I zoomed up the beast to try to drive it back.

“That worked about as well as if we were flies,” I quipped.

“Look out! He may just swat us like flies!” called my husband as we streaked back and forth.

The beast snorted steam, and in the cloud that formed around us I could just hear Casey shouting and the monkey jibbering. Then Carol screamed, and when the mist cleared, the beast had swallowed the entire ship!

Jim and I broke the water and powered ourselves down the depths in pursuit. Just when I thought my lungs could take no more, we emerged in a huge underground cavern. The outer waters were magically kept without.

We saw Carol being carried off by hairy man-apes. Lance was fighting a dozen of them and doing a fine job too. Hogan jumped from one head to another to help his pal.

“That’s it, me boyo! Keep these cave people guessing!” said Lance.

He slugged two of them and wrestled toward the frightened Carol Clews who kicked helplessly in the grip of their king.

He towered above the rest and sneered in evil lust.

“Welcome to the Underworld, my beauty! You will soon be the mate of King Kull of the Beastmen!” he laughed.

We charged toward him from each side and did a good job of distracting him.

Carol tore free and fled toward us. A beastman grabbed for her and she slipped and rolled into a hole.

Bulletman threw himself forward as I kicked Kull in the face. Kull seemed unharmed and charged me, only to eat air as I pulled a fast up, up and away. (Can I say that?)

Jim just caught Carol by one shapely foot and hauled her to safety. She coughed from inhaling the odd fumes of that underworld hole or guyser.

Kull said, “I hate all humanity. It is unheard of that I would honor your mongrel race by selecting one of you to mate. This yellow haired ape is delightful. I would have her!” he threatened.

Lance ripped free of the beastmen and swung across the chamber on a vine. He kicked Kull backward and gasped. “You are the ugliest specimen of humanity I have ever seen!”

Kull roared and nearly ripped Lance’s head off. The sailor-man ducked and pushed Kull off his steps near the throne.

I comforted Carol and she nodded that she was OK.

“This ends here! Captain Marvel is my friend, and he has told me of your remarkbale prehistoric civilization,” said Jim.

Kull sneered. “I hate Marvel more than I hate most humans. If you are his ally, then I shall make your death more painful and bloody than I had planned.”

Kull was strong and we were limited in terms of numbers and resources. However, I figured A: he lived underground. And B: he must be sensitive to light! I pulled my flare gun from my hip belt and fired it directly at the thick skinned beastman. He did roar in pain as the light and heat bore down on him.

“Great idea!” called Jim as he looked for a second source of light. Before he could find it, Kull unleashed a hulking green monster. This thing pile-drived (pile-drove? Sue me, I am not up on wrestling grammar!) Lance to the floor and spat a thick goo at me. It hit me and I could not move. I went numb. It also ruined a great blouse.

Jim blocked the creature from me and charged it again and again at top speed. He finally drove it away from sheer daring and blunt force.

Kull had grabbed Carol and tossed the bikini clad blonde over one shoulder. Before we could get to them, Carol Clew did something amazing. She started to glow bright yellow and generated a nimbus or halo of powerful light! She waved her arms, and the light spread to drive the Beastman backward.

“Bah! That foul illumination pains me! Go! I release you!” he cried.

She smiled, and walked that runway model walk of hers right up to his foul-breathed presence. “Don’t ever attack another ship again or I’ll return and turn this dark hole of yours into Radio City Music Hall!” she vowed tossing back her mane of golden curls and looking every bit like a Hollywood glamour gal ready for her big close-up.

Kull was beaten. Heck, the whole cave was glowing from Carol’s new powers. Jim assumed inhaling those weird fumes had given them to her.

Lance and Mr. Hogan followed up to safety. Kull must have magically allowed air to follow us out of his evil land.

Back on the boat (covered with dragon spit but unharmed) we sailed off eagerly.

Mr. Hogan tossed Lance an odd belt.

“Now, Mr. Hogan, did ya steal this here do-dad from Kull?” asked Lance.

Mr. Hogan did not answer him in so many words, but Lance seemed to be waiting for the monkey to talk!

Jim said, “Carol, I’d like to study you.” I glared at him until he coughed nervously. “Your powers, I mean,” he added sheepishly.

Lance put on the golden belt and smiled. “It does match me shirt.”

“You look divine!” I said, flirting shamelessly to get back at Jim.

Lance gripped a rail and it splintered. “I broke it with a mere touch! This here belt must be magic, and gave me super strength!”

It did give Lance super strength but that is another story, as is how Carol Clews became a costumed heroine.

I’ll end this one here and enjoy a bit of real vacation! A girl is entitled!

From the Diary of Susan Barr.